another one
[W] TALKS ABOUT TRAUMA, DETAILED ABUSE, MENTIONS OF SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL IDEATION
this is silly, making a post a few hours after my last one, but i want to talk about something and thats what this website is for.
i have this friend,im gonna call her dawn (not even close to her name) and when we first met, she was in a terrible place. I wont go into detail for her sake, but she wasnt doing well. She was also mean, and i imagine these two things were correlated. At the time of my life when i met her, i didnt speak to her much, we just had the same classes. Then things in my life started to spirl, my father had an awful accident near the time i finally started seeing him frequently which sent him into chronic pain which effects him to this day, my partner was having several mental health crisis and was shutting himself off because of it (not his fault in the slightest), and my grandparents who were previously people i could confide in, where going through a divorce and needed support. I wanted to help everyone. and i did my best, but within that i felt. lonely, so very lonely. and there was dawn, i wanted to help her too. so i stuck around her, she would berate me, insult me, sometimes punch me in the stomach, kick me in the shins, grab at my thoat. she had a specific thing she liked to do where if i annoyed when in class, shed grab a pencil and ram it into my thigh, always bruising. But i dont think that was the worst of it, it was the mental side. at this time in my life i found it very hard to talk about my feelings because i felt guilty, but she was hurting me, so i could tell her about my feelings. shed tell me to kill myself even when i expressed previously how much i wanted to, if i told her about my experience with self harm, shed tell me i didnt do it good enough. to say this fucked up my head slightly is a bit of an understatement, it broke me. but it seemed to make her happy, which meant i was helping, and anything that calmed the gnawing guilt of being alive was welcome, when she hurt me, i felt like i was allowed to exist, like i was getting punished for something and this absolved me. I didnt enjoy being hurt, but it was better then not. which i think may have rewired my brain. which may be why i have this constant drumming in the back of my head in quiet moments, begging for me to be hurt again, to feel like i wasnt evil for still being here because im getting what i deserve
these two years of my life hurt me, and i was 14 years old
and yet, she slowly got better, she started apologising, she stopped hurting me, she made so much improvment and completely grew as a person in so many ways it was the proof in the universe that people can truly change. at first i didnt want it to happen, of course i wanted her to improve and get better, but everything in me screamed that this needed to happen. but i helped, watched her grow, and shes my friend until this day, it took me two years to fully remember what happend, and im still foggy here and there.
so! things are better now! things are okay, we are still friends and shes so nice to me, and has apologied. I just wish we could talk about it, i wish she could tell me what heppend. but its to much for her, so we cant. i now have to exsit and move on in a place where the person who hurt me doesnt even exist anymore. and i know this is stupid because i should be greatful its all over, but it feels like my recover from it all has been cut off.
its been three years, and its okay now, but every few months my mind draws back and i cant stop thinking about it for a week, and this is that week. i was in a call with Drew the other day, she played guitar like she always has, shes very good at it.
me and her are friends, and im glad. shes a very good friend, and i hope one day i heal from this, so i can appreciate that