I might be evil and awful [MACE]
[W] SELF HATRED AND WISHING HARM UPON SELF AND SELF HARM MENTIONS
I think im inherently an evil person, people are so kind to me and i am normally so kind to others but sometimes small things happen, small looks that look off, akward endings to conversation, tone shifts that dont makes sense, and i either become convinced they hate me or i get angry and hate them. I never tell them, never act on these feelings, but they bubble up inside me and burn me inside out until i speak to them again and realise it is okay, they dont hate me and they shouldnt be hated. Then the guilt starts, eating away slowly at first before crashing down on me. Its times like these when i wish i was being hurt. god i wish someone would hurt me again. Doing it to myself doesnt give the same appeal. I want someone to take this guilt away by, i crave the pain inflicted by someone else so much sometimes that it burns. Like a desperate need, an unreachable scratch, the ringing in your ear you get sometimes that you just need to go away or youll start bashing your head into a wall to MAKE it go away. I need to be hurt and thats a fact so deeply wired into me and i think that means im fucked up.
i do this hating people thing and feeling evil because of it quite alot, but sometimes! i hate people and dont realise its bad thinking and this isnt good, these are often people not close to me. Then after a short or long period of time later, i love them!! i think they are awesome and want to be their friend. I think i have something wrong with me. or maybe thats normal. for example, i can go from thinking this one guy is annoying and that he has it out for me, and the next i will think hes wonderful and the kindest soul ever and no interactions will happen inbetween. Its mad.
so yeah! i might be inherently evil or maybe thats jay, im not sure, either way my dad wants me to order crepes and play peak with him so maybe everythings actually okay. Ill try not to think about me drinking all day and feeling like shit