The emptiness!! [MACE]
[W] SUICIDAL IDEATION AND TALKS OF GUILT
ah the despair, a wonderful feeling really. Your chest feels so tight it might as well as a sharp rod speared through it, while your head is so empty ,apart from the dull sense of neverending dread and thoughts of suicide, that you might as well not even exist.
Im being dramatic, im just having a bad day, even though it says this post is the day after my last, it is actually just 1am for me and im still having that bad day. Today was just one of those days where i woke up feeling like shit and will go to bed in the same shit. SEL goes quiet on these days, she knows theirs nothing she can do. I want to scream at people, i want to tell everyone to leave me alone and speak to no one but, jay doesnt fair well on his own so.
days like this make me miss my mum, or well, jay misses mum. she was horrible to us just last year, we shouldnt miss her, she was scared we were going to leave so she lashed out. Then we did. That guilt may kill me one day. Guilt is one of the most powerful emotions if you feel enough, it govens my life. 90% of the actions i take are out of guilt, and trying to fix every small mistake i make.
Today has fucking sucked emotionally and i want to drink until i cant feel my face. its probably hormones, this stupid fucking body tripping this brain out to hell and the result is feeling dread so violent it makes me rip my skin off or someone elses.
today was a bad day, and i want it to be over.