I have had very little sleep [SEL]

[W] TALKS OF CHRONIC PAIN, USE OF PAINKILLERS AND TRUAMA

Well after i got my father to bed, i tried to sleep. it didnt go particularly well. stayed up for a while texting my boyfriend as he wasnt do well for a moment and then we just chatted since neither of us could sleep. Then at around 6:30 he decided to keep trying. I did the same and got about an hour before waking up to my father yelling out in pain. This is unfortunatly not an uncommon occurance so i did my best to get back to sleep once i heard him snoring again. But the fright seems to have kept me up. Then i felt very very ill, i assume it was either the rather steep intake of alchohol or the more likely suspect, the very dodgy pizza me and my father ate the night prior. so i was now sleep deprived and suffering from food poisoning. I tried to sleep for longer but i got a call saying that my father desperatly need painkillers from my step-mother. but we were out. So it was a 35 minute until we got some and father is yelling out in agony and begging for it to stop. and i cant do anything but hide. He hates when i see him in pain, and he does him better if im not with him so he doesnt have to hid it.

but at one point, i looked from my floor and saw him leaning against the fridge, walking to try and escape the pain and distract his mind, i couldnt help myself and i walked down to see him and he was crying, sobbing. It is very rare i see my dad cry and he just looked at me as he leant against the wall and sobbed in agony. I had to walk up and hug him, i couldnt let myself cry though, it would only upset him. He just kept muttering how sorry he was and that he was okay through pained gasps and i knew this wasnt helping. so i patted him on the shoulder and said i was going to go do some work. he nodded at me and went to lay back down. I walked up to my room, shut the door and fell to the floor crying as quiet as i could. I dont know how someone should react to hearing their father cry out in horrible pain and begging for anything to stop it. a man who isnt even in his 40s yet. its been happening for almost five years now, it was worse before, so often i dont react much until it gets to its peak and i break. I just want to help him and i cant. I feel so useless and god i just want my dad back.

i realised recently, i dont actually have many memories of my dad before this, what hes like without the pain. I didnt seem him much when i was a kid, but god i looked up to him, he was so much kinder then my mother, he was so cool. So when i finally get the oppotunity to see him more and its because hes in horrendous pain after that awful accident, this amazing image my father fractured into peices. Everyone talks about what he was like before the pain, how wonderful and happy he was, how fantastic, how brilliant he was. I never really got to get to know that man, dont get me wrong he is still brilliant and i love him more than anything but god he cant be in a house on his own anymore, i have to ferry him painkillers every four hours on bad days too keep him asleep. I should be playing games with him, spending time with him. I have spent more time with him while he sleeps then awake.

I want my dad, i want my dad back but i dont even really know who that is beyond who he is now. He is a brilliant dad and i love him, i just want him to be okay, he deserves so much more than this.