its not gotten better
[W] TALKS OF AWFUL MOODS AND BEING GAY]
hello! it has been a short while since i last made a post, to be honest i just havent had the motivation, my dad got a bit better and i am finally home at my nans after a month or so. Im back at school and im tired. Alevels (16-18 education option in the uk) are tiring, but i can manage. Im just so fucking sad, im just generally in a terrible mood constantly and i would usually walk to my boyfriend anout it. But hes doing so well and i can tell he doesnt want me too. I get so many stupid irrational thoughts about people and it seems to be getting worse since i looked into it. I just feel so much all of the time. and yeah im 17 im bloody meant to.
on other news, i relaxed with my husband (weve been together for 4 years i know its silly be weve gotten used to called eachother that) for a day or so after the shit with my dad and it was good, i cried alot and then we watched tv. I love him so much its hard to describe. I feel everything so much it sometimes hurt and that 100% includes love. i would do anything for that man, i think about him all the time and i would never want to be with anyone else. He is the most wonderful person i know. even as friends i valued him so much and weve gone through so much together. I love him and i feel bad for him because he loves me and i can be suffocating even if he tells me im not. i can be stressful even if he tells me im not. I can be so hard to be around but he still, will tell me im not. I dont deserve him, but i will give him everything i can until i can even begin to hope i do. we got drunk one night recently and he asked if we could stay together forever, i said yes. The 'i hope we can' went unsaid.
any ways sorry!! i got alot going on in my head at the moment, enjoy your day if youre reading this. I dont know why people would. I promise we are normally very joyous, this is just where he goes when he isnt