...

And it was going so well

[W] GUILT AND SELF HATRED

to say i feel guilty means nothing at this point i believe, i say it alot i have found. I have alot to feel guilty about, some big and some small, some justified and some that ive been told are not. realistically, there is little i can do about most of them as a seventeen year old in full time education. But some of my choices just seem so cruel, so hard to explain and those kind of choices always make space for guilt to fester, to grow and mutate until you dont even know why you did what you did anymore, to the point where the flimsy, duct-taped together excuse you condured up is all you have left to try and lower the acidity in your throat as you choke on pitiful tears infront of the person you hurt. The person you abandoned. The person you left behind. And how that feeling hasnt torn me to shreds yet, i dont know. But im getting awfully tired of pretending that it doesnt kill me.

My husband sits in front of me at his desk, i want to tell him, i want to talk about it. I just need some reasurance, that is all i need. But then im bothering him. Then im bringing him down and doesnt that come with its own sense of harrowing guilt. So there is no fixing this, there is no running from it. Good, im glad, because i shouldnt feel better. i should rot on the floor where the bed i threw away should be, since that was my choice. I will come to my senses soon, guilt will fade and become white noise until it resurfaces.

i wish this self hatred would go away, i wish to breathe and not feel my chest tighten as i remember it all. maybe i dont deserve that, but i like to think i might someday.